The end of a marriage or long relationship can turn your whole life upside down. Even when it's the right decision, it often brings grief, anger, fear, relief, guilt, and loneliness, sometimes all in the same afternoon. On top of the feelings, there may be lawyers, money worries, a move, and children who need you to be steady when you don't feel steady at all.
You will get through this. Here's how to take care of yourself in the hardest part, handle the practical side, and slowly start again.
In the first weeks
1. Let yourself grieve
A breakup is a real loss: of a person, a shared future, a home, routines, and sometimes friends or in-laws. It's normal to feel it in waves. You don't have to be "over it" on anyone's schedule, including your own.
2. Take care of the basics
Stress can make it hard to eat, sleep, or think clearly. Try to keep a few simple routines: regular meals, a short walk, a reasonable bedtime. Go easy on alcohol, which can make the lows lower. Small steadying habits matter more than ever right now.
3. Lean on your people
Tell a few trusted friends or family members what's happening and let them help. If you feel like you've lost your circle, see How to Deal With Loneliness and How to Make Friends as an Adult.
4. Pause before big moves
When emotions are high, it's tempting to send the angry text, post about it online, or make a huge decision overnight. Give yourself a day before responding to anything heated. Keep communication short, polite, and in writing when possible.
If you don't feel safe
If your partner has hurt you, threatened you, or controls your money, phone, or where you go, leaving can be the most dangerous time. Please plan with an expert. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential, 24/7: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. See Help for Domestic Violence and Abuse. If you're in immediate danger, call 911.
Handling the practical side
5. Get good information before you sign anything
Divorce laws vary a lot by state. Many courthouses have a free family law self-help center that can explain the forms and process. If money is tight, look for free or low-cost help through legal aid at LawHelp.org or our Free Legal Help guide. Mediation is often cheaper and less stressful than going to court, when both people can negotiate safely.
6. Get organized with money and paperwork
- Make copies of important documents: tax returns, bank and retirement statements, loans, the deed or lease, insurance policies, and car titles.
- Open a bank account in your own name, and check your credit report for free at AnnualCreditReport.com.
- Change passwords on your email, phone, and accounts.
- Make a simple budget for life on one income. See How to Stop Worrying About Money.
- After the divorce is final, update beneficiaries on life insurance and retirement accounts, and review your will.
7. Know a few benefits people often miss
- Health insurance: If you were covered through your spouse's job, you may be able to keep that coverage for a time through COBRA, or get a plan on HealthCare.gov. A divorce lets you sign up outside the usual enrollment period.
- Social Security: If you were married 10 years or more and haven't remarried, you may be able to get benefits based on your ex-spouse's work record, without reducing theirs. Ask Social Security at 1-800-772-1213.
- Help with food, bills, or housing: If money has suddenly become tight, see our Find Help guides or dial 211.
If you have children
- Tell them together if you can, in simple words: what's changing, what's staying the same, and that it's not their fault.
- Keep them out of the middle. Don't ask them to carry messages, take sides, or listen to complaints about their other parent.
- Keep routines as steady as possible, and let them love both parents.
- Watch for signs they're struggling, like trouble sleeping, slipping grades, or pulling away, and get them support from a school counselor or doctor if needed.
- Many courts offer free or low-cost parenting classes for divorcing parents. For other family resources, see Help for Families.
Starting again
8. Rediscover who you are
Many people realize they lost bits of themselves in the relationship. What did you love before? What have you always wanted to try? Take a class, pick up an old hobby, travel somewhere new, or simply rearrange your home so it feels like yours. See How to Start Over When You Feel Stuck in Life.
9. Be patient with your confidence
A breakup can leave you doubting yourself. Notice small wins, like handling a bill on your own, making a new friend, or getting through a hard day. They add up. See How to Rebuild Confidence After a Setback and How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself.
10. Make peace with the past, in your own time
You don't have to forgive your ex to move forward, and you don't have to pretend it didn't hurt. But over time, letting go of the anger is a gift to yourself. See How to Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry. When you feel ready to date again, take it slowly and trust your instincts.
When to get more help
If you feel hopeless most days, can't function at work or home, or are drinking more to cope, please talk to a doctor or counselor. Many therapists specialize in divorce and life transitions. See Mental Health Help for free and low-cost options.
If you're thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, please reach out now. In the US, call or text 988 any time.
More help
- Second Chance Plan: a free worksheet for starting over after a setback
- How to Stay Positive When Life Keeps Knocking You Down
- How to Stop Overthinking at Night
- All Life Guides
An ending is also a beginning. It may not feel like it yet, but this can be your chance to build a life that fits who you are now.